Duel personality

Rankings rile San Diego fans, a flight charges up the author

You know something, I wish the Super Bowl weren't in San Diego. If the folks I'm gonna meet out there are as creepy as this week's e-mailers, well, it's gonna be ugly. I mean I TOLD you ahead of time I thought that the Patriots were a better team than the Chargers, although on Sunday afternoon, Sept. 29, 2002, the Chargers were better. I mean, it happens. New England wasn't well enough prepared for that cutback running, so San Diego won. Tomorrow, provided they played games on Saturday, the Patriots would win. I addressed this ahead of time. I told you I knew what I was doing, and still, in idiot lockstep, here came the outraged e-mails ... "How could you rate New England ahead of a team that beat it ... duh ... ?" Hey, look, you sunbaked, laid-back (a euphemism for laid out) San Diegans ... find someone else to pester, OK? I have more important things to worry about, such as the Flaming Redhead's newest heartthrob, and this will come later in the piece.

The rules are that I'm supposed to identify the e-mailers (Whose rules? Well, mine), so here they are, and I want all you folks out there who appreciate the dedication and effort I devote to my various online opuses (opi?) to give 'em one big raspberry -- Adin of San Diego, who avoided serious complications only because I intervened on his behalf; David of Costa Mesa, where he's known as "Wild Dave;" Charlie of San Diego, a guy who leaves the beach about once every five days; Mike of Seattle, who is desperately trying to ingratiate himself with the beach community down south; Chuck of Chandler, Ariz., where they try to pretend that sand and scrub are blue waters; Steve of San Diego, who accuses me of having an "East Coast bias" (then how come my favorite state of the union is California?); and, finally, Leif of San Diego, who tried, and succeeded, to get in good with yours truly via a restaurant suggestion. That's the lineup. Adios, gents. I have more serious things on my mind.

Whoops, the faxer phone just rang. It's from Frenchy McFarlane (I'm not kidding) of the Thunder Bay (Ontario) Sports Celebrity Dinner, which wants me to be a speaker at its function in February, when it's been known to get to 40-below zero up there in the wilds of moose country. Confirming my appearance. Asked that I please call back. So I called back. And found out I didn't have to call back. Oh, comma, I see. And will I be up there in February to address the frostbite community? You betcha. It, uh, seems a bit of coin of the realm will change hands, and I'm not above trying to supplement my rather meager income. On to more esoteric matters.

Jimmy, any more San Diego e-mailers? No? They're tapped out? Good, throw 'em an orange and let's move on.

Greatest run of quality at one position -- Matt of Torrance, Calif., offers the set of Raiders' centers to rival my Steelers' lineup. Almost, but not quite. All-Pro Mike Webster was followed by All-Pro Dermontti Dawson. You offer Dave Dalby, Don Mosebar and Barrett Robbins as successors to the great Jim Otto. Sorry, but this doesn't quite make it. Dawson was a perennial All-Pro. Your guys were very good, functional players.

Not to be deterred, Matthew sends up cornerbacks Lester Hayes and Mike Haynes as successors to Willie Brown. Well, Hayes and Haynes played in the same secondary (and did you know that they are side by side, alphabetically, in the Raiders' alumni roll call?). That makes it kind of different. And Terry McDaniel as a bridge between Hayes-Haynes and Charles Woodson? Admit it, it's a reach. But I thank you for the nice things you said, Matthew.

Ditto to John of Eastchester, N.Y. In answer to your questions: Glenn Parker moved back to Tucson, Ariz. He had a choice between the Napa Valley and Tucson and chose the latter, which proves that even people who seem most sane have a loony streak in there somewhere. Topic No. 2 -- I don't get into the Springsteen-N.J. thing. Not during the football season. Too many more important things on my mind. And No. 3 , Yogi Berra is not from New Jersey, he's from St. Louis (and the argument against that is that I'm not from New Jersey, either, I'm from New York, although I was born in Philly, and this is getting so involved that I'm sorry I brought it up in the first place). No. 4, I'm not planning to retire. Of course others more important than myself might have different ideas on the subject.

Mike of Houston mentions the series of great Cowboy runners, i.e., Perkins, Hill, Thomas, Dorsett, Walker, Smith. Yeah, it's an impressive list but there are too many stopovers, too big a cast. What you want is someone who played many years, then passed the mantle down to someone else who also played a lot of years.

Back comes Leif of San Diego, the restaurant guy. OK, I'll answer you in more detail because I appreciate your tip. Handicapping has nothing to do with power ranking. I picked Denver to beat San Diego because the game's in Denver and I think the Broncos will bounce back hard after that horror show in Baltimore. But I think the Chargers deserve a higher ranking based on overall achievement so far. Does this answer your questions? Please say that it does because I simply have to get off this tiresome topic.

And on to the serious matter of your restaurant tip, finally. San Diego's Rei do Gado, a churrascaria-type place, where they keep bringing around meat on skewers. Friend, you've tapped into my emotional heartland. I love these places. The Flaming Redhead hates them, mainly because the piggy scene is not to her liking and she doesn't want to see her husband go down in a heap all of a sudden, clutching his heart. I guess that by now you've ascertained that I am a glutton. So's Peter King, although I don't know whether he'd admit it in print. Let me tell you a long story (Do I have the space for this, Aimee? I do, if I keep it within reason? OK, I'll try).

I'm about 10 years old. My mother has this favorite story that she has told for as long as I could remember, about how my two cousins were so poor that they used to dream about having all the ice cream they could eat. It was a continuing fantasy. Finally, one day my mother went out and bought each of them a quart, and placed it in front of them and said, "Here, eat. You're gonna have as much as you want." I wasn't quite sure of the validity of this tale, so I checked with the cousins. "Our mouths were frozen, we couldn't eat any more," my cousin Phil told me, "but your mother kept saying, 'Eat, eat, never again are you going to say you didn't have all you could eat.'"

So I started bugging my mother. "Gee, I wish I could have all I wanted. Why don't you try that with me?" Then one day she came home with a quart and put it in front of me. "Here, eat." So I ate the quart.

"Can I have some more?" I said.

"Shut up, you've had enough," she said. But she never told that story about my cousins again, thank God.

From either Dr. Badru Tunde of N.J. or Dr. Badru of Tunde, N.J. ... haven't quite worked it out yet: Thanks for the compliment but when you say you're falling in love with You Know Who I have to remind you that she's previously occupied. Your first question -- What do I think of the Colts' chances in the playoffs? -- is one I can't answer because I haven't seen them play yet. You mention Tony Dungy and the Cover Two defense. Credit Bud Carson, the Steelers' defensive coach during their Super Bowl run, with the refinements. Tony, a reserve DB on those teams, picked it up from Bud. You're correct in saying that Mike Martz got a lot of his offense from Norv Turner, for whom he worked in Washington. Also from Ernie Zampese, Martz's mentor in L.A.

I will, as you requested, give your love to the Flaming Redhead, despite my grumpiness. Have to veto the "and Jimmy" part because he doesn't swing that way.

I'm providing the full handle of Isaiah Ilowit of Oneonta, N.Y., because I don't remember ever getting an e-mail from a double-vowel correspondent who's from a city also beginning with a vowel. Such things are big with me. Question from I.I. of O. -- How much has the Rams offense suffered from losing the dynamism of its third receiver, Az Hakim? A lot. Even though he dropped some balls, his presence as a downfield threat threw a lot of defenses out of whack. But even if he'd have been in the lineup earlier in the season, I wonder how much difference it would have made with Warner throwing the kind of ducks he did.

To Parker of Calgary -- I'm not a defensive coach but I think the Patriots have to play more disciplined defense and stay in their lanes and watch the back side for the cutbacks. Assuming that they do all that and still get their fannies blocked, then they have to open a new can of players.

Jesus of Mexico City asked me if I thought Jeff Garcia was overrated. I said no. So here he is, back again with his evaluation of the Niners' version of the so-called West Coast Offense as being simply too choked off, too devoted to the short stuff. I agree. It needs air. It must breathe. Open a window, someone.

This one saddens me. From Russell of Santa Rosa, Calif., where I know they're fairly hip because it's wine country -- "For those of us not in the greater New York/New Jersey area, what the heck is 'kvetching?'" Griping, whining, bellyaching. Complaining in an annoying way. My aunt Ida was a virtuoso in the art.

Dan of Colorado Springs doesn't understand why sportscasters keep copping out for David Carr, referring to "rookie mistakes" when he fails to protect the ball, something you learn in high school. Because a sportscaster's mouth is always ahead of his brain, and if there's a cliché to be found, by golly he'll come up with it. Please, don't get me started on announcers. I'll have plenty to say on the subject in my end-of-season evaluation of all those guys. Early tip -- try to catch one of Solomon Wilcots' games. A sleeper. (No, Linda, I didn't say a shlepper).

Another Dan, this one from Takoma Park, Md., wonders what Marty Schottenheimer has going for him in San Diego that he didn't have in Washington. Nobody's telling him who his quarterback has to be. It was particularly tough when it was Jeff George, the owner's personal toy. Hard to coach a team when the guy who owns it thinks he's the director of personnel.

Steelers questions from Bob of Albuquerque. I assume the first one was posted before Tommy Maddox was named the starter. A controversy? Well, I guess that's what you'd call it when the papers get all those polls going. Kordell's future? Not good, since there's a big payout coming at the end of this season if they want to keep him. But I don't think the Steelers are destined for greatness under Maddox, either. He can work a short game OK, but when he has to air it out, here come the picks. At least that was, repeat was, the book on him. Until last Sunday it was seven years since he had thrown an NFL pass. Who knows what secrets he's picked up in the meantime? Kordell, in another position, resurrecting the old Slash thing? Uh uh. Not for the dough they'd have to pay him. Besides, they have an updated version of Slash in Antwaan Randle El.

To Jason of Green Bay. Well, you like the Packers' defense, I don't. Too many missed tackles. Linebacking corps does not impress me. Na'il Diggs is good but Hardy Nickerson is on the downside, and Nate Wayne, who I once thought was a terrific weakside backer, now looks like a little guy who has trouble getting off the blocks. I picked the Bears over them because I think they'll control the ball, even though that choked-off attack they ran against Buffalo put me to sleep. Your last line -- "You're supposed to be an expert" -- reminds me of my favorite definition of an expert, courtesy of former Steelers coach, Charles Noll: "Someone who doesn't have to back up his opinion with money."

Bert of Buffalo, where espionage is a highly developed skill, has come up with this scenario: A lip-reader sits in the coaches' booth with high-powered binocs, stealing the enemy calls. How does he get it down to the sideline in time for his accomplice to bring it onto the field? With hand signals from bench to defensive captain. It's not so far-fetched. People are always looking for tipoffs. In my own playing days, when I was on defense I used to scream at the guys around me to shut up between plays so I could hear the other team's calls in the huddle. I covered a game once -- a playoff between Houston and San Diego -- in which Oilers linebacker Gregg Bingham swore to me that they had stolen Dan Fouts' signals. I wrote it as my main story. Actually, what had happened was that they had read run or pass by the way Fouts set his feet before the snap. It's a sneaky world out there.

Late rippers bearing the skull and crossbones of the Raiders want to know how I could pick them as my top team and still say I wasn't sold on them. And here come the rippers. Let's dress up that line, boys. Adam of Cincinnati, Rod of Oakland, Greg of San Francisco and Steve of Redwood City, Calif. The answer is early prejudice. Age discrimination. I can't shake the feeling that they're too old and it's gonna catch up with them sooner or later. If it's not sooner and they keep winning big, then I'll find something else to kvetch about. No, just kidding ... then I'll climb aboard, along with everyone else.

Sincere thanks to Aaron of Marina, Calif., Brandon of Oakville, Ont., and GR Fujisawa for your nice comments about my Jamie Winborn piece. I really enjoyed doing it. Aaron adds the following interesting question: Who do I think was the greatest one-year wonder in the history of the NFL? How about part of one year? If you give me that, then my choice is Marlin, the Magician, Briscoe of Denver.

And special thanks to Casey of Charlottesville, Va., for his extremely kind commentary about my work in general. We all like to adopt the cynical veneer and pretend that it doesn't matter, but believe me, it does.

Now that we're all mellowed out, let me address a serious situation. Josh of Sacramento asks me which I prefer, seeing a game live or via DirecTV? Live, of course, but then I couldn't catch as many games as I do, usually eight per weekend. But if it's a real biggie, then I'll sacrifice quantity for quality. And here comes the heavy part. Josh identifies himself as the guy who sat next to the Flaming Redhead on a recent, bumpy flight from Newark to Phoenix. Yeah, she told me all about it. More than bumpy, scary actually. And there was this nice man who sat next to me and made me feel so much better blah blah blah. Have you ever heard of a duel à volonté? Read the Nabokov-Wilson Letters. Nabokov spells it all out on page 219, including a diagram. It's the old, traditional style. Not back-to-back, count 10 paces, turn and blaze away, as they do in the movies. This is a very cold affair, in which they stand in a designated box, take careful aim and fire one shot apiece. I want you to think very seriously about this means of expression.

My wife is setting a record for frowning. OK, honey, 'ol Josh can take a little ribbing, the same as the rest of us.

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