Domineering mail

The power rankings rippers have their say

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Mani Walia of Tampa writes the following: "Just wanted to give you a break from the inevitable deluge of unhappy e-mails. I think you did well with the assessment in the power rankings."

Mani, I hope you've been working the weight room and the speed bag, because it's you and me, baby, against an angry mob of Packers e-mailers. Jimmy sent me three pages worth, with the notation, "There were plenty more. ... I'm just going to send the best of the best." He also suggested that I devote one blanket reply to the blanket of rips that covered me, but I don't think this would be fair. All voices, no matter how strident, how insulting, demeaning, abusive (I wouldn't ordinarily use these terms, but since those are the adjectives regularly applied to my dealings with the airlines or the phone company or the IRS, I kind of lifted them for personal use) ... anyway, each of these voices must be heard. Individually. Because, you see, they happen to be right.

I was too hasty in my preseason, pre-camp, pre-everything power rankings, which I just knew would get me into trouble. Got hysterical with Dallas. Didn't study the Pack carefully enough. It happens. There's a whole season in which to make up for it. Basically, the complaints centered on the wide receiver situation (which everyone feels is much better now), the lack of significance in my pointing to Hardy Nickerson at MLB, the lack of noticeable weakness in any specific category and other stuff. Fine, but I take more of a personal interest in the rips, and as I've occasionally done in the past, I'm going to grade them on originality of expression -- and, as a tie breaker, on content.

Gold medal winner: Bill of Omaha: "Does the Z stand for Zoloft? Because I'm pretty sure you popped half a dozen." Z for Zoloft. I have to figure out a way to get some mileage out of that. Grade: A

Silver medal: Steve of Woodbury, Minn: "Feel free to have SI drop 'guru' from your handle." Boy, would I love that. Can't stand that expression. Guru, to me, denotes someone slim and sinewy, and, as we all know, I'm a fatty. Grade: A-

Bronze medal: Susan of Green Bay, Wisc.: "YOU need to see a doctor. Schedule yourself for a few sessions, please, and call us in the morning." I always like to see female fans take the trouble to e-mail. We need more of them. This was the Flaming Redhead's gold medalist, but I couldn't stiff Bill, the Zoloft guy. Grade: B+

John of Milwaukee: "I think you've been spending too much time in a dark room. Perhaps you should call and see if there isn't a chemical leak of some kind nearby." Points here for perception. The Redhead's artistic work involves a great deal of photography. Grade: B+/B

Jesse of Roberts, Wisc.: A lot of stuff on how I'm living back in the '80s, when the Pack was mediocre, but his last paragraph did it for me: "Send this one through, Jimmy. The Dr. needs to be held accountable." How true. Grade: B

Ron of Philadelphia: "Green Bay at No. 10? Are you on drugs? Try two or three. Now go back and do it right this time." I appreciate the seriousness of intent, although two or three is too high. Grade: C

Teague of Williamstown, Mass., home of the prettiest college campus in the U.S., Williams College: "Love your stuff almost all of the time, which is why I nearly fell off my chair ..." etc. "Please restore my faith -- and the faith of the entire Cheesehead Nation -- in your work." Nice try, but you can't go this softly in a serious rip. Grade: C

Finally, Mike of Janesville, Wisc.: "Your preseason power rankings are about as mindless as your all-pro picks." I'll go to war over this one. I spend a lot of time searching for all-pros, and I'll defend those picks against the whole population of Janesville Cheeseheads, or Airheads, such as you. Grade: F

Now that we've got my typer nicely warmed up, let's move on to the week's second-most-important topic, the Hall of Fame. Nice sentiments here, but as the Redhead pointed out, "I think people are getting tired of that 'Thank you for your kind words' line," so for those of you who have offered some measure of praise, I'll just say thank you. OK?

To Marc of Neenah, Wisc., who's lobbying for LeRoy Butler's enshrinement: He's worthy, but he'll be coming up at about the same time the Cowboys' Darren Woodson will, so he might have to wait his turn. My choices probably would be Butler first, then Woodson.

Rudy of San Diego guesses that Elway most likely will be the first Bronco selected, and he feels this is unfair to players such as Randy Gradishar, Louis Wright, Karl Mecklenburg, Simon Fletcher and possibly Tommy Jackson. You haven't mentioned my favorite Bronco of all of them, Richie (Tombstone) Jackson, but it will be a very hard sell for me because his career was cut short by injury. I'd say his only chance would be if three old AFL writers -- myself, Larry Felser of Buffalo and Will McDonough of Boston -- are all on the five-man Seniors Selection Committee at the same time, as we were a few years ago, and I can convince the other two guys to get behind him. Gradishar? A fine player, but I liked other MLBs better, namely Lee Roy Jordan. Wright? Very solid. I'd vote for him. Mecklenburg? Really outstanding when he was at the top of his game. I'd have to check his record carefully and see how long that period lasted. Fletcher? Good, not great. Jackson is a definite yes in my book, but if has to wait until he's in the Seniors pool, then he'll be fighting OLBs such as Chuck Howley and Dave Robinson. How come you didn't mention Floyd Little? Very strong candidate.

Sunil of Foster City, Calif., was "shocked" at my downgrade of George Seifert. Maybe I was a bit too hard. I'll have to think it through again. Perhaps I'm too bitter about him banning cigar smoking from all practices, even outdoors.

To Greg of San Jose: Jim Plunkett's name comes up from time to time. I don't remember him making it to the final 15. Some great games. One or two great years. Consistency was his problem. And thank you.

Chris McCoy of L.A. can't understand why Ken Stabler has been passed over. Teammates of his have told me that they never knew when Kenny felt like turning it on or not. He had his own agenda. He will never get my vote.

Thanks to Nick of Toronto, who feels I should be more positive about Marcus Allen. I guess you're right. Let's put it this way: I don't really see myself not voting for him when his name comes up. As to your invitation to visit you in Toronto and cop a meal at Carman's steakhouse, the garlic place, sure, why not? Both the Redhead and I are definitely not new-agey and enjoy a steak as well as the next couple of guys, but garlic is kind of a sensitive issue with us. I used to say, "Gimme all you've got. I can take it all." Then we had a meal in a place called Kynsilaukka Garlic in Helsinki two years ago. The theme, as the title suggests, was garlic. In every freakin' dish, including the desserts, even in the beer. Enough already! Basta! Help! One of the worst meals I've ever had.

A sort-of Hall of Fame question from Quinton of London, and thank you, Dr. Q: He wants my take on Kurt Warner. A good QB made great by the system, or vice-versa? A great quarterback in my book. Consistently does the thing Joe Montana was so good at, and that is hitting his receiver at exactly the right time, so that a short gain can go the distance. In other words, impeccable timing. A shade behind Montana at throwing on the move, but he still does that well. Great touch on his deep stuff. Tough. Right now he'd get my Hall of Fame vote in a flash.

To Russ of Philly, now living in Tokyo: Regarding the Eagles', uh, upgrades -- well, Levon Kirkland reported at 310 pounds. I think he's history. I liked the two departing defenders you brush off, SS Damon Moore and WLB Mike Caldwell. And I still see them as a playoff team, but not as good as they were last year.

Steroid question from Jun of Houston: I've felt for a while that they're still around, but the masking agents are more sophisticated. Players I've talked to have said no, it's impossible with today's random testing. The size-to-body fat ratio is a result of more sophisticated weight training, begun at a much younger age. I won't argue, but I'm still not totally convinced. You want to know why steriods have been used, and are used, in high school. Because they provide the ability to train and lift at a much higher level, and thereby become stronger and more explosive. We don't exactly know just how bad they are for one's body. All the evidence is anecdotal. Doctors I've spoken to say that in order to get a true picture you've got to do a 20-year study, and it hasn't been done because they can't get enough athletes to admit that they've taken them. The East Germans did such studies but they never released the results, probably because some of their applications were so horrendous, such as the dwarf steroids they used to keep female gymnasts small.

John of Lithonia, Ga., and I thank you, wonders if the Titans' window of opportunity has closed. I'm not sure. Last year, as we know, they folded because their secondary was in shambles and Eddie George couldn't carry the offense. We'll see how that plays out this season. I think Jeff Fisher is a good defensive coach, but I'm not sure about their offensive coordinator, Mike Heimerdinger. Two years ago they had the Ravens whipped, but when they had a chance to put them away they felt the icy fingers on the throat and chickened out, offensively, and let them back in it. I can't get that out of my mind.

Another thank you to Donald of Austin, Texas. He's concerned about Brett Favre's legacy, particularly if he doesn't win another Super Bowl. QBs don't win Super Bowls. They play the quarterback position on winning teams. In ranking him with the two other guys you mentioned, Young and Aikman, right now I'd put Young at No. 1, Aikman at No. 2 and Favre third. But all three, I believe, are legitimate Hall of Famers.

To Matt of Visalia, Calif., who feels that Emmitt Smith should retire out of respect for Walter Payton and his record and not try to break it. First, a thank you for the nice things you wrote, but I can't agree with your observation. Great athletes just don't think this way. If that were the case, then Jim Brown would still be the all-time rushing leader, out of respect from the guys who followed him. Smith will break Payton's record, as he should if he has the chance, and if he doesn't hang around long enough to put the mark out of reach, at least for now -- say at around 20,000 yards -- then I predict Curtis Martin will break his record.

A Seattle question from N. Allen of Endicott, N.Y.: I've got to smile every time I hear the name of that town, Endicott, that is. We had a guy in my outfit in basic training in the Army named Jack Steenberg from Endicott. Had a really short fuse. People used to like to needle him, "Where'd you say you were from -- Idiots, N.Y.?" And they got a response every time. Finally he'd just start swinging. It was our nightly barracks entertainment. No, I wasn't one of the bad guys who taunted him ... well, maybe just once. Dear departed days of youth. You want to know why I downgrade the Seahawks and feel that Ricky Watters' flair out of the backfield will be missed. I'm not saying Shaun Alexander isn't a big-league runner; I just feel that a certain spark will be missing. Seattle seems to be one of the teams I always grade too low. There are others, such as the Bears at the beginning of last season. I've tried to analyze this phenomenon, and I can't come up with a reason. Just a feel, a hunch. If the Hawks show anything early I'll get 'em up there in the rankings, probably too high, as compensation.

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