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More egregious than Regis

Click here for more on this story

Posted: Wednesday January 26, 2000 10:03 AM

  View the David Fleming archives

Quiz shows are all the rage now, or so I'm told, and no one jumps on a trend and sucks the life out of it faster than the Flem File. So as the Super Bowl nears, I thought, why not whip up a little quiz using some of the little gems I've picked up during the last few months covering the NFL. It sure beats reading more of the hate e-mail I received for the Shaq piece. (The mailbag is at the bottom of this page, along with the WHYLO of the Week.)

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not giving away a million bucks or anything. However, at no time will you be subjected to Regis Philbin. Should you get stumped and require a lifeline, uh, well, sorry. Most of these tidbits are appearing for the first time, so anyone who gets at least 15 right is a certifiable NFL genius. Or simply sicker than I thought. Good luck.

1) After signing his first contract, bought his mom some land for a new house on the same property where she used to pick cotton.A) Tony Dungy (Buccaneers head coach)
2) Teammates refer to him as Smoothie.B) Jim Sweeney (Steelers offensive lineman)
3) When injuries had him depressed his father once took him to a veteran's hospital to show him people with real problems.C) Yancey Thigpen (Titans wide receiver)
4) Used to drive a Dodge Viper. Takes meticulous notes on everything during the season. Still being paid by his current team's biggest rival. D) Georgia Frontiere (Rams owner, whose late husband Carroll Rosenbloom hoodwinked the league out of the original trophy from Super Bowl V)
5) Grew up across Richard Petty Bridge in Black Mountain, N.C., and is so competitive teammates once drugged him to calm him down before a dart game. Had a perm in college. E) Mike Nolan (former Redskins defensive coordinator)
6) If I see this guy in any more ads, particularly without his shirt on, I may just hurl.F) Dom Capers (Jaguars defensive coordinator)
7) There have been 33 Super Bowl champs but 34 Lombardi Trophies have been made, this person has the extra. G) Shawn Barber (Redskins linebacker)
8) His son, Eric, once told him his team looked "sick." When my goddaughter Megan interrupted our interview, he chatted with her on the phone for five minutes.H) Shaun King (Buccaneers quarterback)
9) Owns 1,400 movies and is studying film editing techniques for a post-football career in filmmaking.I) Steve McNair (Titans quarterback)
10) Is part owner in an Atlanta jazz club/restaurant called 201 Courtland.J) Brad Culpepper (Buccaneers defensive lineman)
11) Was once carjacked in the driveway of his home and had a gun stuck in the back of his head.K) Foge Fazio (Redskins linebackers coach)
12) Had his toenails painted red and pewter for the playoffs. Wife Monica makes awesome chocolate-chip cookies.L) Stephen Boyd (Lions linebacker)
13) At the deli where he eats, folks think he's an auto worker. Considers me a jinx and while holding the back of my neck asked me nicely to stop covering his team.M) Jason Sehorn (Giants defensive back)
14) Loves barbecued pigs feet and enjoys windsurfing to stay in shape.N) Stephen Davis (Redskins running back)
15) The person Jerry Jones really wants to name as his new head coach.O) Jimmy Smith (Jaguars wide receiver)
16) Told me "I know there will be other, new tests out there for me, and probably, a lot sooner than I think."P) Marco Coleman (Redskins defensive lineman)
17) Thought the Hoover Dam was in Colorado.Q) Herman Moore (Lions wide receiver)
18) Told me after two days of practice with Kurt Warner at quarterback: "We are going to shock a lot of people this year."R) Jerry Jones (Cowboys owner)
19) Got his nickname after mispronouncing "fudge" as a child in Pittsburgh.S) Isaac Bruce (Rams wide receiver)
20) Bought his linemen Breitling watches, actually hated the playoff T-shirts the team made up with his face on them.T) Brad Johnson (Redskins quarterback)

Answers: 1-I; 2-H; 3-O; 4-F; 5-T; 6-M; 7-D; 8-A; 9-Q; 10-P; 11-C; 12-J; 13-L; 14-G; 15-R; 16-E; 17-B; 18-S; 19-K; 20-N

( *Note: Due to an editing error (Sorry Flem, Who Helped US Log On?), the above answers have been updated as of 10 a.m. Wednesday morning.)

KEY

15-20: You either cheated, or you really need to spend more time with your family.
12-15: Your friend(s) must now refer to you as Dr. Z.
8-12: Feeling inferior? Here, I'll get you started on your hate e-mail: Dear Flem, you are a jerk and this was a stupid quiz ...
4-8: Admit it, you got all the non-football ones right. I'm proud of you.
3 or lower: WHYLO

WHYLO of the Week

Attention: Shaq fans, please, LIGHTEN UP.

Never have I been subjected to the kind of nasty, disgusting, ignorant and ugly e-mails that I received in response to a light-hearted column about Shaq's inability to shoot free throws. Now, either I underestimated the sense of humor and intelligence of Lakers fans (which I did not think was possible) or you Shaq fans out there are so blinded by your misplaced jock-sniffing hero worship that you can't take a little joke. The man is an All-Star, an icon, and a professional basketball player who can't make 5-out-of-10 free throws ! Come on, that's funny . So please, lighten up a little. No, wait, lighten up a lot.

O.K., with that said, here's an example of what I'm talking about:

Jack Reed from Jasper, Ind., writes: "Dave, sorry but I think you're a (blank) suckin (blank) who likes to shoot free throws with your mom's (blank) up your (blank). I'm a shaq fan if you can't tell dubmass, e'mail me you (blank) or don't you have any (blank)?"

Well I e-mailed my new friend Jacko back to tell him how much I enjoyed his letter and in particular, the comic irony of him calling me a dumb-ass but actually spelling the word wrong. Even with heavy editing, his response is, well, unprintable. So everyone in Jasper -- when you see Jack Reed, please ask him the following question for me:

WHO HELPED YOU LOG ON?

This Week's Mailbag

Real Flemfilers (read: smart readers with a sense of humor) got the column and responded to my challenge to beat Shaq at their own odd free-throw contest. Here's a sampling of the responses.

I shot lefthanded and hit 6-out-of-10 from the line.
-- Robert Ayala

My boys shoot hoop while jumping on a trampoline and from about 7-10 feet back they make 7-of-10 on an average. Wonder if Shaq could do that? Oh yeah, my boys are nine and 11 years old.
-- Debbie

I shot a free throw with my little girl. She got stuck. I had to end the competition with Shaq. Still, one out of one beats Shaq.
-- Bombim Cadiz

Drop-kicked the basketball from the free throw line. The final score? Drum roll, please: Shaq 4.5, Me 6.
-- Micheal

Tried shooting it like a long snapper in football. Did it, hit 4-of-10.
-- Mike Hildenbrand

I positioned myself at the free throw line like an NFL center with the basket behind me. With my eyes closed, I snapped a deflated rugby ball. The verdict? Five out of 10!
-- Nick Stavropoulos

Come on! Cut Shaq a break! He has, and I quote the man himself here, "won at every level except college and the pros." With credentials like that, why should he bother practicing free throws?
-- Steve

Shooting free throws during a snowstorm (I live in Quebec City, so it was a real snowstorm, not one of those one-inch snow drops you Americans call storms). Five out of 10.
-- Dominic Deblois

Bounced free throws. From the line, you take the ball in two hands and spike it off the ground (driveway, in my case) and up and through the hoop. I hit 7-out-of-10. Somebody call Jerry West.
-- Stu Davidson

Your story on Shaq is probably the worst story I have incountered at cnnsi. I give you a 0 out of 10. What a waist of space.
-- Marvin

My 4-year-old brother could have wrote a more entertaining article than that.
-- Justin

You scare me Mr. Fleming, a great deal.
-- John Wright

Sports Illustrated staff writer David Fleming explores the sometimes weird and wacky side of the NFL every day through Super Sunday. Click here to send an e-mail to Flem, or address it yourself: flemfile@aol.com.

The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer.

 
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